haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize