i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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