Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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