I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You are a genius and a whore.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
