I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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