I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
