In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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