I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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