I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize