Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
