This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize