In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
