My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
