i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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