I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
