My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
