Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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