How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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