Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
