On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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