Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
