I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
