Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
