i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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