i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
