the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
