can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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