it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize