Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
