There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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