I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
