I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
