Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
