Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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