OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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