my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
