what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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