just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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