so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
