Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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