I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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