Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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