apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
