Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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