True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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