Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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