oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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