a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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