Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
