Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
