I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
