Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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