Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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