Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
