dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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