mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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