Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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