you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
